I’ve just done the sort of hyperbolic comment that usually bites me in the arse. On Steve’s Technoimbiber site, I claimed that BrewDog’s brushed-steel wanker trap doesn’t make it into my top 10 Manchester (and Salford) bars or pubs.
Now I have to prove that to myself.
Oh well, here goes.
- Port Street Beer House - Best beer in town, served by men with vole-sheltering beards that make me glad I shave regularly.
- The Greyhound - You’ve got to love your local, haven’t you? Even if there are only two beers worth drinking in there. And a karaoke night.
- The Font - Great beer, close to the office, and the food’s not bad either.
- The Briton’s Protection - Whisky. All the whisky.
- Sinclair’s Oyster Bar - Cheap beer, great city centre beer garden.
Shit, now I’m in trouble.
- Fab Cafe - The beer’s shit, but there’s a Dalek. And Laura and I went there on our first Mancunian date. And I once spent £20 on the Star Wars arcade game. I heart Fab.
- The Salisbury - Open late, do a mean pint of Hobgoblin, and there’s a decent-ish jukebox.
- The Moorings - The best beer garden in all of Boothstown. And the Black Sheep’s drinkable.
Erm.. Struggling now…
- The New Oxford - I watched an England match in there, and there’s a good beer selection. Less wankers than Brewdog too.
- Dukes 92? I mean, there’s a nice beer garden? And they sell Punk IPA? Which is a BrewDog beer…
Aww, come back BrewDog. All is forgiven!
This is a wordcloud of all the words used in Twitter biographies of the right-wing wankers who follow the EDL on Twitter.
Apparently they’re big on life, love, Rangers and United. Because nothing says “love” like wanting brown people forcibly removed from the country. Awww.
Great British patriot @piersmorgan (yes, the one who falsified images of abuse in one of those stupid wars we’re fighting, thus endangering lives of British troops) is complaining that Chris Hoy, et al, aren’t singing the national anthem. And that we should be like those fine Chinese patriots who belt out their anthem at gunpoint every morning.
Unfortunately for patriotic Piers (yes, the one who loves his country so much he lives in the USA), our national anthem is shite. It’s about God (who doesn’t exist) and The Queen.
Fortunately for our athletes, I’ve been thinking of an anthem that doesn’t amount to “Will a vengeful omnipotent iron age father figure please make sure that our ruling classes get to stay smug and superior.”
And it’s one the whole country can rally behind. Tune’s the same, so after me…
"Someone Slap Piers"
We all wish harm on Piers,
Why can’t he fall down the stairs?
Someone slap Piers
He is an awful man,
Lied ‘bout Afghanistan
Won’t someone stop this man?
Someone slap Piers.
When he’s not hacking phones
He won’t leave footballers alone
All the charisma of a stone
Someone slap Piers
He’s a smug gurning twat
And he’s getting rather fat
We’re all sick of this prat
Someone slap Piers.
Didn’t know where to start on how wrong this reblogged piece is. Luckily, sanctimonious elitist bastard Ben Locker did:
Nice one Ben. Anyone reading the complaining original post should take a look at the sensible response.
…is a ballache at the best of time. You generally spend most of your time scrambling around looking for scraps of work taking anything you can. It’s even worse when you first start and have zero experience in a proper role.
My first job was to write 250 words of copy for sections on a furniture…
Tonight, you brave, stout fellows, the hopes and fears of an entire nation go with you.
What you can accomplish tonight will echo through eternity as the greatest achievement in the history of English football - finally laying to rest years of hurt beyond counting.
I know relations between us haven’t always been cordial. There have been slurs, confusion and anger, because of your lifestyles, inability to use the English language properly and the fact that some of you are horrible, horrible racists.
But tonight, as England take on Sweden, we can put all that to rights. We can come together as one, and achieve something special. Something that will make football that little bit better for everyone.
Gentlemen. It is all down to you. Make sure you defend solidly, keeping the enemy out. And should the chance present itself, attack fiercely, and accept no quarter nor surrender.
Tonight England expects that every florescent jacket-wearing Ukrainian steward does his duty. Keep them out, sirs.
Ban the Band.
In an EXCLUSIVE interview, mega-beaked geriatric Colin “Neil Warnock” Wanker names his Leeds United starting XI for 2012/13
1: Andy Longergan in a Paddy Kenny mask
I needed a pair of hands I can trust. But Paddy’s changed his number and taken out a restraining order. Luckily though, Ken gave me an old Sheff Utd programme and a pound for the photocopier.
2: The Radebe Suite
3: Billy’s Bar
5: The East Stand Boxes
6: The Pavillion
We needed someone as safe as houses at the back. So me and Ken, we splashed out on some buildings. They’re like houses, aren’t they?
4: Michael “Browny” Brown
8: Michael “Browny” Brown’s Nurse
I’ve been a fan of Browny since he kicked that stupid horse in the 1938 cup final, so I was always going to retain his services this season. Especially because Shaun Derry throws eggs at me when I go round his house. But he’s not as sprightly as he used to be, so we got him a nurse. She’ll hold his blanket and point at the players he needs to assault.
Of course, with Brown providing the steel, we need some guile. Danny Pugh said he’d be able to fill in though, until we find some.
11: Ben Fry
I promised to keep Snoddy as our star winger, and I did.
I mean, we sold Robert Snodgrass to Norwich to pay for the Ken Bates statue and my nippy new electric wheelchair, but I was at a Slade tribute gig and their frontman Snoddy Holder looked alright.
Anyway, I’ll be trying to avoid the ball touching the floor in midfield, so we needed someone who’s used to everything going over his head. Ben seemed like the natural choice.
Ha, sorry about that. My little joke. It’ll probably be Becchio or something. Unless Norwich want him too. Is it time for Countdown yet?
Shower of hopeless bastards
1) Lonergan - Can catch, can’t kick
2) Connolly - Hopeless, clueless Scouse chancer
3) Kisnorbo - Is he dead yet?
4) Bruce - Dont. Let. It. Bounce.
5) O’Brien - Hopefully goodbye then, shitbag
6) Rogers - Dead before his time
7) Gradel - I miss you Max
7) Varynen - Erm… And you were?
8) Brown - Borderline psychotic octogenerian carthorse
9) Paynter - Like a weeping clown
10) Becchio - Dog chasing a beachball
11) Sam - Stay at Notts County
12) Rachubka - Haunts all my nightmares
14) Howson - I loved you Jonny
15) Clayton - Started well, went shit
16) Pugh - Poor man’s Andy Hughes
18) Forssell - You were a footballer?
20) Nunez - Teeny tiny latino donkey
21) McCarthy - Cheers for the penalty
22) Lees - Smile, you miserable bastard
23) Snodgrass - You’re our only hope
24) Taylor - What was the point?
25) Webber - How’d you miss that?
26) Bromby - Long throw. Nowt else.
27) Somma - Probably dead by now
28) White - Fast, but still shite
29) Thompson - Never gonna make it
30) Cairns - Marginally better than Rachubka
33) Robinson - Should’ve signed the keeper
38) Keogh - Forgot you’d played here
44) McCormack - Liked the overhead kick
48) O’Dea - More like ‘Oh Dear’
Simon Grayson - Au Revoir Mr. Scapegoat
Neil Redfearn - Thanks for that, Redders
Neil Warnock - Record breaker! (slow clap)
Ken Bates - Fuck off and die.
Not renewing next year.
What would you expect from a performance about a man who drapes his kettle in tinsel, is awarded RPG-style experience points from a dishrack, and talks to the goblins in his carpet?
An amusing piece of absurdist comedy? A deeply affecting personal drama? Or recitations of modern performance poetry?
With Wizard, you’ll get all three.
Wizard tells the story of the eponymous Wizard (Dominic Berry), his upstairs neighbour (“Man”, played by Ben Jewell) and a cast of talking appliances. Bored to tears by his thankless day job, Man finds himself increasingly drawn into Wizard’s wonderful world of magic, tea and poetry.
What follows is a touching, funny tale of computer games, feline flatulence and the horror of Yorkshire Tea.
But before long the laughs dry up, to be replaced by nervous and stark, shocked silence.
Because what starts off as a piece celebrating the absurdity of life’s ‘characters’ and their triumph over mundanity takes a dark, distressing and surprisingly violent turn.
In his first acting role, award-winning poet Dominic Berry puts forward a charming, terrifying and entirely believable turn as a character that could easily have descended into parody. And his abrupt gear change when Wizard’s whimsical mask slips to reveal the troubled individual underneath is completely and utterly arresting.
But it’s Ben Jewell’s versatility that adds a sense of scale to the show. Playing characters as diverse as well-meaning social workers and menopausal kettles - as well as his grounded and touching portrayal of Man, Jewell provides Wizard with a scope that should be beyond a two man cast.
Wizard isn’t a show for the faint-hearted. Is isn’t always a pleasant experience for the audience, and it doesn’t shy away from the realities of mental illness.
But Wizard will entertain you. Wizard will make you think. Wizard will not, ever, “f**king patronise you.”
It’s touring in May. Go watch it.
Wizard - written by Dominic Berry (with additional material by Dave Viney)
Performed by Dominic Berry and Ben Jewell
The Cockpit, Gateforth Street, Marylebone, London, NW8 8EH
Tue 1 - Wed 2 May. 7.30pm. Tickets: £10/6
Booking: thecockpit.org.uk / 020 7258 2925
ACE Centre, Cross Street, Nelson, BB9 7NN
Thur 3 May. 6.30pm. Tickets: £8/4
Booking: acecentre.co.uk / 01282 661 080
Oxford University, Corpus Christ College, Merton Street, OX1 4JF
Thur 10 May. 8pm. Tickets: £7/5
Booking: tickets available from the venue on the night
Never mind my degree. Never mind winning the Spencer Prize for Outstanding Achievement in English at high school. And never mind that time I came 5th in the Bad Ass SEO Guest Blogging contest. THIS is the greatest achievement of my life.
A full season unbeaten on Football Manager.
Umadalens IF (Swedish 2nd Division North) - P22, W14, D8, L0