Posts tagged Leeds
Posts tagged Leeds
In an EXCLUSIVE interview, mega-beaked geriatric Colin “Neil Warnock” Wanker names his Leeds United starting XI for 2012/13
1: Andy Longergan in a Paddy Kenny mask
I needed a pair of hands I can trust. But Paddy’s changed his number and taken out a restraining order. Luckily though, Ken gave me an old Sheff Utd programme and a pound for the photocopier.
2: The Radebe Suite
3: Billy’s Bar
5: The East Stand Boxes
6: The Pavillion
We needed someone as safe as houses at the back. So me and Ken, we splashed out on some buildings. They’re like houses, aren’t they?
4: Michael “Browny” Brown
8: Michael “Browny” Brown’s Nurse
I’ve been a fan of Browny since he kicked that stupid horse in the 1938 cup final, so I was always going to retain his services this season. Especially because Shaun Derry throws eggs at me when I go round his house. But he’s not as sprightly as he used to be, so we got him a nurse. She’ll hold his blanket and point at the players he needs to assault.
Of course, with Brown providing the steel, we need some guile. Danny Pugh said he’d be able to fill in though, until we find some.
11: Ben Fry
I promised to keep Snoddy as our star winger, and I did.
I mean, we sold Robert Snodgrass to Norwich to pay for the Ken Bates statue and my nippy new electric wheelchair, but I was at a Slade tribute gig and their frontman Snoddy Holder looked alright.
Anyway, I’ll be trying to avoid the ball touching the floor in midfield, so we needed someone who’s used to everything going over his head. Ben seemed like the natural choice.
Ha, sorry about that. My little joke. It’ll probably be Becchio or something. Unless Norwich want him too. Is it time for Countdown yet?
Shower of hopeless bastards
1) Lonergan - Can catch, can’t kick
2) Connolly - Hopeless, clueless Scouse chancer
3) Kisnorbo - Is he dead yet?
4) Bruce - Dont. Let. It. Bounce.
5) O’Brien - Hopefully goodbye then, shitbag
6) Rogers - Dead before his time
7) Gradel - I miss you Max
7) Varynen - Erm… And you were?
8) Brown - Borderline psychotic octogenerian carthorse
9) Paynter - Like a weeping clown
10) Becchio - Dog chasing a beachball
11) Sam - Stay at Notts County
12) Rachubka - Haunts all my nightmares
14) Howson - I loved you Jonny
15) Clayton - Started well, went shit
16) Pugh - Poor man’s Andy Hughes
18) Forssell - You were a footballer?
20) Nunez - Teeny tiny latino donkey
21) McCarthy - Cheers for the penalty
22) Lees - Smile, you miserable bastard
23) Snodgrass - You’re our only hope
24) Taylor - What was the point?
25) Webber - How’d you miss that?
26) Bromby - Long throw. Nowt else.
27) Somma - Probably dead by now
28) White - Fast, but still shite
29) Thompson - Never gonna make it
30) Cairns - Marginally better than Rachubka
33) Robinson - Should’ve signed the keeper
38) Keogh - Forgot you’d played here
44) McCormack - Liked the overhead kick
48) O’Dea - More like ‘Oh Dear’
Simon Grayson - Au Revoir Mr. Scapegoat
Neil Redfearn - Thanks for that, Redders
Neil Warnock - Record breaker! (slow clap)
Ken Bates - Fuck off and die.
Not renewing next year.
So, Andy O’Brien’s never playing for #lufc again?
Jonny Howson vs Carlisle
I love this. I really, really love this. Freedman’s pass, and the fact that Westwood knows he’s done for as soon as he sees it.
#LUFC - It’s things like these that really piss me off Ken. £31 for a Carling Cup game. Fine, I can handle that. It’s against Manyoo. It’ll sell out even if every season ticket holder decides to boycott.
But an extra quid to “activate my season card”? How do you justify that? You’re not posting a ticket. You’re not printing a ticket. An AUTOMATIC payment gateway is ticking a box on a database so that my swipe card will activate a turnstile.
Nobody’s even looked at it. But that’s another pound. Another pound for every season ticket holder. That’s at least fifteen grand. £15,000 EXTRA, that you’ve got no way of justifying. From just one game.
And why exactly can’t we afford players’ wages, improved contracts or signings?
Our foreign footballer with a silly nickname is far superior to Scum’s. #lufc #mufc
Remember that time Kasper Schmeichel got sent off for being a whining petulant child? #LUFC
Hey, Andy Lonergan, what do you think of Kasper Schmeichel? #lufc
Ah Kasper Schmeichel. You’re dogshit aren’t you? #lufc
Oh, poor Kasper. Everyone at Nasty Leeds United is just so nasty to him. In fact, they’re so nasty that he’s asked his PR people to release a statement for him. But let’s read between the lines to see what he really has to say:
"At the end of the season Leeds United and I both made a commitment to honour the last year of my contract and try to win promotion with Leeds United. Therefore it is with great disappointment that I have learned that Leeds United have accepted an offer from Leicester."
I’m on a two year contract, and I decided that if Leeds don’t go up then I’m doing a Beckford and shipping out on a free. I should be in the Premiership. Do you know who my dad is?
"I want to put on record that I have never asked to leave the Leeds United, nor did I reject an offer for a new contract, since one was never put to me."
I’m right pissed off that Grayson’s not letting me go for a free next season, because now I have to sign another 2 year contract with a Championship club. Leicester? Really? Do you know who my dad is?
"I was enjoying being a Leeds United player and was looking forward to winning promotion this season with the club."
I was enjoying shouting, pointing and kicking the ball to the opposition left back, and I was hoping I’d either go up with Leeds or be able to move to Fulham or West Brom on a free. Or Man United. I mean, do you know who my dad is?
"I have spoken to the manager Simon Grayson and he has made it clear to me, that, in spite of having played well for him, this is something he believes is a good deal for Leeds United."
I’m right pissed off that Grayson’s worked out that taking £1m for me is better than getting nowt. And I’m even more pissed off that Leicester won’t be able to give me that £1m as a signing on fee. I deserve a £1m signing on fee. Do you know who my dad is?
"I have been put in a very difficult situation and will spend some time considering my options for my future."
I’ve been put in a really difficult position as Leicester might want me to sign a three year deal, and I won’t get my signing on fee. I mean, honestly. Do none of you people actually know who my dad is?