Posts tagged leeds

In an EXCLUSIVE interview, mega-beaked geriatric Colin “Neil Warnock” Wanker names his Leeds United starting XI for 2012/13

1: Andy Longergan in a Paddy Kenny mask

I needed a pair of hands I can trust. But Paddy’s changed his number and taken out a restraining order. Luckily though, Ken gave me an old Sheff Utd programme and a pound for the photocopier.

2: The Radebe Suite
3: Billy’s Bar
5: The East Stand Boxes
6: The Pavillion

We needed someone as safe as houses at the back. So me and Ken, we splashed out on some buildings. They’re like houses, aren’t they?

4: Michael “Browny” Brown
8: Michael “Browny” Brown’s Nurse
10: Pugh

I’ve been a fan of Browny since he kicked that stupid horse in the 1938 cup final, so I was always going to retain his services this season. Especially because Shaun Derry throws eggs at me when I go round his house. But he’s not as sprightly as he used to be, so we got him a nurse. She’ll hold his blanket and point at the players he needs to assault.

Of course, with Brown providing the steel, we need some guile. Danny Pugh said he’d be able to fill in though, until we find some.

7: Snoddy
11: Ben Fry

I promised to keep Snoddy as our star winger, and I did.

I mean, we sold Robert Snodgrass to Norwich to pay for the Ken Bates statue and my nippy new electric wheelchair, but I was at a Slade tribute gig and their frontman Snoddy Holder looked alright.

Anyway, I’ll be trying to avoid the ball touching the floor in midfield, so we needed someone who’s used to everything going over his head. Ben seemed like the natural choice.

9: Diouf

Ha, sorry about that. My little joke. It’ll probably be Becchio or something. Unless Norwich want him too. Is it time for Countdown yet?

Shower of hopeless bastards

1) Lonergan - Can catch, can’t kick
2) Connolly - Hopeless, clueless Scouse chancer
3) Kisnorbo - Is he dead yet?
4) Bruce - Dont. Let. It. Bounce.
5) O’Brien - Hopefully goodbye then, shitbag
6) Rogers - Dead before his time
7) Gradel - I miss you Max
7) Varynen - Erm… And you were?
8) Brown - Borderline psychotic octogenerian carthorse
9) Paynter - Like a weeping clown
10) Becchio - Dog chasing a beachball
11) Sam - Stay at Notts County
12) Rachubka - Haunts all my nightmares
14) Howson - I loved you Jonny
15) Clayton - Started well, went shit
16) Pugh - Poor man’s Andy Hughes
18) Forssell - You were a footballer?
20) Nunez - Teeny tiny latino donkey
21) McCarthy - Cheers for the penalty
22) Lees - Smile, you miserable bastard
23) Snodgrass - You’re our only hope
24) Taylor - What was the point?
25) Webber - How’d you miss that?
26) Bromby - Long throw. Nowt else.
27) Somma - Probably dead by now
28) White - Fast, but still shite
29) Thompson - Never gonna make it
30) Cairns - Marginally better than Rachubka
33) Robinson - Should’ve signed the keeper
38) Keogh - Forgot you’d played here
44) McCormack - Liked the overhead kick
48) O’Dea - More like ‘Oh Dear’

Simon Grayson - Au Revoir Mr. Scapegoat
Neil Redfearn - Thanks for that, Redders
Neil Warnock - Record breaker! (slow clap)

Ken Bates - Fuck off and die.

Not renewing next year.

howsonisnow:

Jonny Howson vs Carlisle

I love this. I really, really love this. Freedman’s pass, and the fact that Westwood knows he’s done for as soon as he sees it.

Travelodge can rave about their Corby trouser press
And there’s a fair bit to be said about Holiday Inn Express
But it’s Kenneth Bates’ shit motel that’s left us in a mess
What the fuck is goin’ on?

Kenneth Bates’ Leeds United
Kenneth Bates’ Leeds United
Kenneth Bates’ Leeds United
He’s gonna send us down the fuckin’ pan

Now barndoor Billy Paynter is the lardarse of the crew
For a Ginster’s pie or pasty he will break himself in two
His body’s soft and chubby and he’s got some cracking boobs
What the fuck is goin’ on?

Kenneth Bates’ Leeds United
Kenneth Bates’ Leeds United
Kenneth Bates’ Leeds United
He’s gonna send us down the fuckin’ pan

We’ve got no centre forwards and our defence isn’t strong
The fucking beardy bastard’s taking us back to League One
And once again at Yeovil you will hear us sing this song
What the fuck is goin’ on?

Kenneth Bates’ Leeds United
Kenneth Bates’ Leeds United
Kenneth Bates’ Leeds United
He’s gonna send us down the fuckin’ pan

He’s bumping up the prices, and spending it on sheets
Ranting about dissidents that mock him with their Tweets
We’re a team of freebie journeymen (but Billy’s got great teats)
What the fuck is goin’ on?

Kenneth Bates’ Leeds United
Kenneth Bates’ Leeds United
Kenneth Bates’ Leeds United
He’s gonna send us down the fuckin’ pan

Kenneth Bates’ Leeds United
Kenneth Bates’ Leeds United
Kenneth Bates’ Leeds United
He’s gonna send us down the fuckin’ pan