Posts tagged rant
Posts tagged rant
In an EXCLUSIVE interview, mega-beaked geriatric Colin “Neil Warnock” Wanker names his Leeds United starting XI for 2012/13
1: Andy Longergan in a Paddy Kenny mask
I needed a pair of hands I can trust. But Paddy’s changed his number and taken out a restraining order. Luckily though, Ken gave me an old Sheff Utd programme and a pound for the photocopier.
2: The Radebe Suite
3: Billy’s Bar
5: The East Stand Boxes
6: The Pavillion
We needed someone as safe as houses at the back. So me and Ken, we splashed out on some buildings. They’re like houses, aren’t they?
4: Michael “Browny” Brown
8: Michael “Browny” Brown’s Nurse
I’ve been a fan of Browny since he kicked that stupid horse in the 1938 cup final, so I was always going to retain his services this season. Especially because Shaun Derry throws eggs at me when I go round his house. But he’s not as sprightly as he used to be, so we got him a nurse. She’ll hold his blanket and point at the players he needs to assault.
Of course, with Brown providing the steel, we need some guile. Danny Pugh said he’d be able to fill in though, until we find some.
11: Ben Fry
I promised to keep Snoddy as our star winger, and I did.
I mean, we sold Robert Snodgrass to Norwich to pay for the Ken Bates statue and my nippy new electric wheelchair, but I was at a Slade tribute gig and their frontman Snoddy Holder looked alright.
Anyway, I’ll be trying to avoid the ball touching the floor in midfield, so we needed someone who’s used to everything going over his head. Ben seemed like the natural choice.
Ha, sorry about that. My little joke. It’ll probably be Becchio or something. Unless Norwich want him too. Is it time for Countdown yet?
Shower of hopeless bastards
1) Lonergan - Can catch, can’t kick
2) Connolly - Hopeless, clueless Scouse chancer
3) Kisnorbo - Is he dead yet?
4) Bruce - Dont. Let. It. Bounce.
5) O’Brien - Hopefully goodbye then, shitbag
6) Rogers - Dead before his time
7) Gradel - I miss you Max
7) Varynen - Erm… And you were?
8) Brown - Borderline psychotic octogenerian carthorse
9) Paynter - Like a weeping clown
10) Becchio - Dog chasing a beachball
11) Sam - Stay at Notts County
12) Rachubka - Haunts all my nightmares
14) Howson - I loved you Jonny
15) Clayton - Started well, went shit
16) Pugh - Poor man’s Andy Hughes
18) Forssell - You were a footballer?
20) Nunez - Teeny tiny latino donkey
21) McCarthy - Cheers for the penalty
22) Lees - Smile, you miserable bastard
23) Snodgrass - You’re our only hope
24) Taylor - What was the point?
25) Webber - How’d you miss that?
26) Bromby - Long throw. Nowt else.
27) Somma - Probably dead by now
28) White - Fast, but still shite
29) Thompson - Never gonna make it
30) Cairns - Marginally better than Rachubka
33) Robinson - Should’ve signed the keeper
38) Keogh - Forgot you’d played here
44) McCormack - Liked the overhead kick
48) O’Dea - More like ‘Oh Dear’
Simon Grayson - Au Revoir Mr. Scapegoat
Neil Redfearn - Thanks for that, Redders
Neil Warnock - Record breaker! (slow clap)
Ken Bates - Fuck off and die.
Not renewing next year.
#LUFC - It’s things like these that really piss me off Ken. £31 for a Carling Cup game. Fine, I can handle that. It’s against Manyoo. It’ll sell out even if every season ticket holder decides to boycott.
But an extra quid to “activate my season card”? How do you justify that? You’re not posting a ticket. You’re not printing a ticket. An AUTOMATIC payment gateway is ticking a box on a database so that my swipe card will activate a turnstile.
Nobody’s even looked at it. But that’s another pound. Another pound for every season ticket holder. That’s at least fifteen grand. £15,000 EXTRA, that you’ve got no way of justifying. From just one game.
And why exactly can’t we afford players’ wages, improved contracts or signings?
Ah Kasper Schmeichel. You’re dogshit aren’t you? #lufc
It’s #sexyalevels day, BBC. This picture is NOT acceptable. I pay my license fee. Get me blonde girls, preferably airborne!
Taken from “Google Made My Son Cry”
Kid Moron is 10 years old. He has had a Gmail account since September 2009 — almost two years.
This is a kid who lives on the computer. He types 50 words a minute, builds immense structures in Minecraft, programs in python, and has better Powerpoint skills than his teachers at school.
Today, he tried to use Gmail, but found that his account was locked. A big scary message says that his account has been shut down because Google has discovered a Terms Of Service age violation.
Kid Moron was in tears. He is enormously upset about this. Google is basically just going to cut him off from his family until he turns 13.
Boo hoo. This reminds me of the time I bought my six year old a bottle of schnapps and sent her to the park - like I had done every day since the little boozehound learned to walk.
Then some arsewipe POLICEMAN made her CRY because apparently it’s ILLEGAL for her to drink at her age. Fuckers. Don’t they know she drinks a yard of ale faster than any of the teachers at her school?
DAMNIT SOCIETY! WHY WON’T YOU LEARN THAT YOUR RULES DON’T APPLY TO MY SUPER-SPECIAL OFFSPRING?
Oh, poor Kasper. Everyone at Nasty Leeds United is just so nasty to him. In fact, they’re so nasty that he’s asked his PR people to release a statement for him. But let’s read between the lines to see what he really has to say:
"At the end of the season Leeds United and I both made a commitment to honour the last year of my contract and try to win promotion with Leeds United. Therefore it is with great disappointment that I have learned that Leeds United have accepted an offer from Leicester."
I’m on a two year contract, and I decided that if Leeds don’t go up then I’m doing a Beckford and shipping out on a free. I should be in the Premiership. Do you know who my dad is?
"I want to put on record that I have never asked to leave the Leeds United, nor did I reject an offer for a new contract, since one was never put to me."
I’m right pissed off that Grayson’s not letting me go for a free next season, because now I have to sign another 2 year contract with a Championship club. Leicester? Really? Do you know who my dad is?
"I was enjoying being a Leeds United player and was looking forward to winning promotion this season with the club."
I was enjoying shouting, pointing and kicking the ball to the opposition left back, and I was hoping I’d either go up with Leeds or be able to move to Fulham or West Brom on a free. Or Man United. I mean, do you know who my dad is?
"I have spoken to the manager Simon Grayson and he has made it clear to me, that, in spite of having played well for him, this is something he believes is a good deal for Leeds United."
I’m right pissed off that Grayson’s worked out that taking £1m for me is better than getting nowt. And I’m even more pissed off that Leicester won’t be able to give me that £1m as a signing on fee. I deserve a £1m signing on fee. Do you know who my dad is?
"I have been put in a very difficult situation and will spend some time considering my options for my future."
I’ve been put in a really difficult position as Leicester might want me to sign a three year deal, and I won’t get my signing on fee. I mean, honestly. Do none of you people actually know who my dad is?
A response to an article showing how Spotify are evil for moving to a business model that works shows a heartbreaking tale of corporate deceit.
Here’s a scenario that happened to me with Spotify last week. My daughter aged 11 listens to Spotify a lot. They put a block on one of her favourite tracks because she’d played it too often. An ad appears saying that she can download the track for 50p – so my daughter thinks cool. But accidentally she buys a bundle of 100 tracks at 50p a shot. and I get an invoice for £50.00.
I emailed Spotify to say can I have a refund – it was an accident. They say no – she downloaded 1 tune so no can do. I wrote again offering to buy that tune for £5 if they refunded me £45.00. Again no. They just want the money regardless. I was very hacked off. If anybody from Spotify is reading this my case number is 182165.
I sympathise with you, commenter. My family used to watch TV for free by standing outside Dixons. However, I’d forgotten to explain to my foolish offspring that they have to pay for things they buy, and that they should READ things before agreeing to them.
Imagine my horror when they walked into Dixons, picked up a TV on hire purchase and took it back to my home. I explained that I should be able to keep the TV and get a refund, but the bastards sent in the bailiffs!
So yeah, I sympathise. All businesses should be charitable trusts designed to take responsibility for our children, while we sit in another room pretending we haven’t sired absolute morons.
Are Manyoo fans in our office wilfully thick or cripplingly ignorant?
Nothing ever goes our way…
Office moron on Patrice Evra being able to kick some Chelsea twunt.
Ignoring for a moment the fact that said inexplicable non-penalty is proof that things do go ManUre’s way on a regular basis, I’d like to showcase the following research by usually biased (and always anti-Leeds) website Football365
“It is a startling truth - and depressing disparagement of the league’s credibility - that each of United’s five away league victories this term have hinged on an unfathomable error by officialdom: Gary Neville’s escapes at Stoke and West Brom, Rafael’s non-penalty at Blackpool, Wayne Rooney’s hug at Wigan and Mason’s various nonsenses this weekend. How many points would have been collected if Neville had been dismissed at the Britannia and Hawthorns when the scores were level, if Rafael had conceded a penalty with United already trailing 2-0 at Bloomfield Road, if United had to play for 80 minutes at Wigan with ten men, and if Vidic had taken an early bath this weekend?”
Let’s be generous and say they’d have still beaten Wigan and drawn at Stoke. 11 less points for the Scum.
Let’s be even more generous and pretend that if Carragher was sent off for Liverpool (at 2-0 ‘Pool) they’d have scraped an additional point.
So their current league position should be suffering by 10 points due to shit refereeing.
Which would make the league look like this:
Shouldn’t that banner last night have read “[Scum] and City, joined by geography, separated by a string of despicable refereeing decisions?”